Grieving Pregnancy Loss
Pregnancy loss may come as a stillbirth, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum. Even though it occurs before birth, the baby has already touched the lives of the parents. Grieving can be difficult and often misunderstood. Consider these suggestions when grieving a pregnancy loss. let yourself grieve take care of yourself share your story name your baby say good-bye to your baby create a memorial practice selective hearing be prepared for shadow grief reach out to others _____________________ SIDEBAR: RESOURCES The resources listed below may be helpful to those grieving pregnancy or early infant loss. For severe grief and depression, seek professional help from a licensed counselor. organizations GriefShare (support groups in your area) www.griefshare.org Hannah’s Prayer www.hannah.org/< ;/p> Mothers In Sympathy and Support (M.I.S.S.) www.missfoundation.org/ Noah’s Place http://noah.gentlewhisper.com/ Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ Pregnancy Institute (cord accidents) 2250 Gause Blvd., Suite 200, Slidell, LA 70461 Quiet Refuge www.quietrefuge.com/ SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, National Office 800-821-6819 www.nationalshareoffice.com/ books & art Bergeron, Julie. Original grief paintings and art therapy. www.artisticpage.com/julies-heart Gordon, Russ & June. Forever in Our Hearts (a baby album designed for pregnancy and early infant loss). www.quietrefuge.com P.O. Box 63506, Colorado Springs, CO, 80962-3506. Hayford, Jack. I’ll Hold You in Heaven. Ilse, Sherokee. Empty Arms—Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death. Ilse, Sherokee. Planning A Precious Goodbye. Vredevelt, Pam. Empty Arms—Emotional Support for Those Who Have Suffered. by Ronda Knuth
Forever you will be part of
Your little one was a tiny life that you began to love early in your pregnancy. Pregnancy loss is not only a loss of life but also a loss of dreams, dreams of your baby’s place in your heart and family. There is no set timetable for grieving the loss of your baby, but pretending that it wasn’t a big deal is not healthy. Acknowledge your loss and give yourself permission to grieve. Cry your tears and share your story. Express your feelings, good and bad. Realize that grief can be like an emotional roller coaster. It’s normal to have good and bad days.
Make your physical health a priority. Get enough sleep. Eat healthy and comforting food and exercise if you are able. Pamper yourself with a massage, a pedicure, a hot bath or other comforts. Nurture yourself emotionally and spiritually, too. Carve out time for activities that bring you comfort and enjoyment—a phone call with a close friend, curling up with a good book (consider the resource list), hobbies and crafts, times of prayer or writing in a journal.
You need to tell the story of your loss, perhaps again and again. Find someone to talk to, whether your spouse, a compassionate friend or a support group (refer to the resource list). A private journal provides a safe place to share things perhaps too sensitive to tell others. Describe experiences or conversations. Write poems, prayers, letters to your baby, reflections, and favorite quotes or bible verses.
Naming your baby acknowledges its brief yet real existence. A name also gives you an identity to use when talking about your baby. Even if you miscarried and are unsure of the baby’s sex, consider a simple name such as Baby Smith.
Hospitals today tend to be more sensitive to the needs of bereaved parents. In the case of stillbirth, parents are encouraged to hold, bathe and dress their babies, which helps provide a sense of closure. Whatever the specific circumstances of your loss, find a way to say good-bye to your baby. If feasible, have a memorial service or funeral. If not, consider some kind of farewell ritual for your baby, perhaps with family and close friends. If you are a person of faith, surrender your baby into God’s care.
If available, save items such as baby blankets, ultrasound photos, hospital mementos and sympathy cards. When you are ready, use these and other items to create a memorial such as a baby scrapbook or framed display. A memorial not only tangibly represents your baby’s life but also provides a creative outlet that can be helpful as you grieve.
When people don’t know what to say, they often say the wrong thing. You can have another baby…He’s in heaven now…God needed another little angel…You didn’t even know her… When you experience a thoughtless comment, try to understand that rarely do people intend to be unkind. Simply ignore what is not helpful, and find comfort in words that are.
Certain dates or times of the year can trigger “shadow†grief, the grief that comes from realizing the loss of shared experiences with your baby. Your baby’s due date, the anniversary of your pregnancy loss, Mother’s Day, the holidays and even the birth of a healthy baby to someone else can trigger painful memories, sometimes even years later. Prepare for these days by knowing ahead of time that they might be difficult. Plan special activities with family and friends. Perhaps look at your scrapbook or read your journal.
As you heal, look for occasions to share what you have learned. Reaching out compassionately to comfort others in their losses can help you move beyond personal grief and find fulfillment in giving.
